Saudade
by AllTheNamesITryAreTaken
Summary: "describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves." My smile is so fake and nobody can tell and when did I get so good at this? When did I stop being fifteen? Why did you leave me?


**A/N:**** This story is about Ginny after Harry's death. In my mind it's about two years after the war, but use your imagination. I own nothing. Enjoy!**

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><p>I muster up all the courage I can manage and force my feet down the aisle, thinking back to my childhood bedroom just two hours ago where they started to dress me before I broke down. I'd moved to stand in <em>justthatspot<em> where _he_ stood all those millions of years ago when things were _sohorribleandbroken _and they were the happiest times of my life. Tears had burst into my eyes and it had taken an hour to calm me down to the point where I could stand again, and I could remember being _toughandstrong_ even after he was gone and _whathappenedtome?_

I _stepstepstep_ down the long, white carpet and the tears _dripdripdrip_ over my nose and my smile is _sofake _and _nobodycantell!_ And then I'm back with them in my brother's old room, where we moved after they'd stopped me crying, and I know my smile was fixed on and sometimes _Iwasn'teventrying_ and _whendidIgetsogoodatthis?_ Because my mother and my best friend are looking at me, slipping my feet into high heeled shoes and telling me how beautiful and happy I look and I wonder _dotheyknow?_ And they might, they just don't want to call me out on it because then they'd have to face the fact that _maybepossiblyprobably _they're faking it, too.

But I'm so close to the little stair that leads to the altar and I'm feeling _terribleandhorribleandsick_ because he _is_ a good person and I hate to lie to him, but if _he_ knows the truth then _howcanIlietomyself?_ And that front is breaking as my plastered-on grin and tear-filled eyes lift up to see _him_ there, but not the _him_ that I so desperately wish was standing there because _Istilllovehim_ but _Idon'tlovethisone_.

And I can remember them telling me so long ago, _he'llalwaysbewatchingoveryou_, and that was the funeral. Then just two-hundred and fourty three days later _tootoosoon_ they told me, _he'dwantyoutomoveon_ and _he'dwantyoutoloveagain. _And they were right, and it was true, because he was always _sososelfless_.

And I hold _his _hands and _he _stands in front of me and _he'scryinghe'ssohappy_ and _myheartisshattered_ becaue I feel _soguilty. _I picture _him _looking down on me from wherever he is _withsomanypeoplewelove_ and the "I do" get's caught in my throat because I know I wish I was saying it to _theboyinthesky_ not _themanatthealtar_. But I choke out the words and my hands are shaking and the tears are pouring and I pull back from the kiss _tootoosoonforhim_ because all that's in my mind is _greeneyesinpringtime _and _whendidIstopbeingfifteen?_ And as our lips disconnect my smile begins to falter and I know _everyoneislookingatme_ and the tears are still making tracks down my face but I can fix on a smile and _nobodyknowsit'sfake._

And I know those green eyes _likeemeraldsinsunlight_ are looking down on me and I knew him well enough to tell that he'd be _soguilty_ that I can never be truly happy again or truly in love and that it hurts me because _that'sthewayhewas._ He would be guilty that I fell apart when he left this world because and now I'm in pieces that I pull into some semblance of a person and _thisismenow_ and somedays I want to hate him. Somedays when I kissed my fiance, _mynewhusband_, on the lips I wanted to cry and scream at _theboyinthesky_ that _thisiswhatyoudotome!_ Because it's just because he's gone that I'm _sodamnbroken_ and it hurts _sodamnbad_ and the only smiles that aren't false are in photographs and memories that _killmetolookat!_

And I hug everyone and they congratulate me and I accept, and I kiss him _somanytimes_ and it's breaking my heart. His arm wraps around my waist and I notice that we've never stood like that before because _that'showIwaswithhim_ and my smile falls completely and it's going _slowslowslowmotion_ because pictures are being taken and everyone's laughing and drinking champagne. Something stabs inside me _sharpanddeep_ and I fold in half and sobs wrack my body and I shove him away shouting to him _nonono_ and everyone looks terrified and I'm crying on the floor, rolled into a ball. My dress is pooling around me and I think I hear it tear and it's so _bigandwhiteandsilky_ and I _absolutelyhatethething!_

And now my mother has ushered everyone away and they look _sosadandpitying _and the only thing that I can think is _hehatedpity_ and that doesn't dull the pain. But now _he_ is looking at me like I've scared the hell out of him and _obviouslyIhave_ because I've spent the last year burying these feelings _deepdeepdeepinside_ and sometimes in the middle of the night I get like this but _thisissoprivate_ and _Iwanttobealone_ and he keeps reaching for me and I'm slapping him away because _itisn'thisbusiness._ Those words, though, are echoing in my head from just moments ago _forbetterorforworse_ and this is definitely worse and _Itheewed _and _Ido_ and now _what'smineishis_ and I'm ashamed as I realize that somewhere _deepdeepinside _I might have hoped that we could share this pain. And _theguiltisback _and it's coming _strongandfast_ because I shouldn't have wanted to shove this off on anyone else.

And I can see it in his eyes that _hefeelssorryforme _and _hefeelsbetrayed _all at the same time because I'm sobbing and shaking _HarryHarryHarry _and suddenly there's nothing in the world but this pain and these tears and I know _Imustbescreaming_ and whoever has their arms wrapped around me just got hit in the face and I have no idea who it was but the cold dance floor is swimming up to press against my face and the tears are pooling there and _canIjustdrownhereplease?_ And my hands slide to my skirt and _ripriprip_ it to pieces with all my strength and _Imissyou _and _Ican'tdoitanymore _and _whydidyouleaveme? _and the air is turning solid and I'm gasping to inhale and it's _darkdarkdark_ and _everythingdisappears_ but for just a moment I'm fifteen again, standing by the lake at school.

"You're beautiful," he mumbles to me from his place behind me, one arm wound around my waist. His chin is on my shoulder, his breath in my ear.

"You're shameless," I laugh, turning to kiss him quickly.

In an instant I'm facing him, breathless, gazing into his gorgeous green eyes.

"I love you," he mutters, his eyes alight, and I know he means it.

"I love you, too," I tell him, and it's the truest thing I've ever said.

He laughs and twirls me around, kissing me, and I think I've never seen anything so beautiful as him smiling. I feel like I'm floating and I hardly notice when he places my feet back on the ground, letting every one of my senses absorb him, commiting him to memory.

I am young and in love.

I've never felt so complete.

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><p><strong>AN:**** I hope you liked it! I know it wasn't much of an ending, but this was way outside my comfort zone. I challenged myself to write something new in a new way, and I honestly like how this turned out. I would like feedback, though. I'll answer all comments and PM's, even flames. But before you do flame, I realize that I wrote this with never ending sentences and _wordslikethis_ but it's based off an experience I had with a panic attack. That is how my thought process went, absolutely insane. Anyway, fedback and questions are welcome and wanted!**

**Thanks for reading!**


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